11 Months.

11 months today. 11 months of missing you.

Today is also exactly one year since my baby shower. I told your dad yesterday how I wish I could go back to that day. I remember exactly how I felt – happiness, joy and contentment. No fears, no worries, no sadness.

I remember rubbing my belly that day in sweet anticipation while I talked excitedly to my family and friends about your arrival.

I remember telling everyone that I hoped you’d come early but was trying not to get my hopes up.

I remember laughing about how scared I was that labor would hurt. Little did I know the physical pain would come no where close to the emotional heartache I would feel when you were born.

I remember opening all my gifts. Oh man, I had so many wonderful gifts. I was so excited to use them on you. It kills me that I never got to. It kills me that we had to take your car seat out of the car and that all your baby clothes I had washed and ready are still sitting in the drawers, a year later, untouched. It kills me that our attic is now filled with items that were supposed to be for you – high chairs, packnplays, nursing items, bouncers, diapers – just to name a few.

I was so excited that day to be your mom and to welcome you into our family. I was so excited to eventually show you off and to watch you grow up alongside all those people at my shower that loved you so much. I was so excited to share Jesus with you and learn on my own what being a first time mother would entail.

I wish with everything in me that I could go back to that day and experience the innocence of all those feelings all over again.

11 months. Thank you Lord for getting me through these last 11 months without my girl. Snuggle her for me please💜