Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven, Emma.

One year ago today in the very early hours of the morning you entered this world. It was a quiet night. Just me, your dad, one nurse, and one doctor. I remember there was a moment right before you were born where I looked at your daddy with tears in my eyes and I said “I can’t do this”. It wasn’t for the reason most moms say that. It wasn’t because of the physical pain - although it was painful. It was because I wasn’t sure I was ready for the painful truth and reality of you being gone to be finalized. But then, only 10 minutes later, there you were. So silent. But you were so beautiful. I was so in awe of you. They immediately laid you on my chest and I wrapped my arms around all of you. I tried my hardest to pretend I could feel your heart beating against mine. You stayed that way for a while. I never wanted to let go. I touched every single part of you. I kissed your soft skin over and over again. For hours I tried to soak in the beauty that was you. Your dad and I talked to you. We prayed over you. I quietly rocked you and sang to you the only song that came to my mind… “Nobody loves me like you” by Chris Tomlin. Now I can’t listen to that song without being taken back to those moments. I hope you heard me. I hope you felt the love of your momma. Now, a year later, I wonder if maybe you would be able to say “momma”. Maybe you would be learning to walk. I picture you with chubby cheeks, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Your teeth might be coming in too. Would you be a smiley baby? A happy baby? I won’t know until I get to Heaven. I pray to God every night to allow me to raise you when I get there so we can pick up right where we left off…With you on my chest again - but this time with your heart beating strong against mine. I’ve never known a love like the love I’ve felt for you. You are a part of your Dad & I. You are our princess. Our treasure. Our gift from Heaven that Jesus asked us to give back. To know you are in His arms is the only relief I have from the pain of not having you in mine. I love you Emma. I love you to Heaven and back a billion times over. And I’m one year closer to being with you again. Happy first birthday my Baby girl💜