Casey's Story

*This story is told by Casey

I have many friends that have journeyed through infertility and miscarriages… I just never thought it would be apart of my own story. As naive and maybe even arrogant as that may sound, it’s true. So when I found myself in the ER this past Summer not knowing the fate of this hope, this plan, this baby in my womb I was in shock.

I couldn’t believe it was happening to me, I have watched as too many of my friends have suffered through this pain, and now here I was. And because of Covid restrictions I was alone. No real definitive answers from the doctors right away because it would take time to watch my HCG levels… so I went home tentatively hopeful. Maybe the bleeding was one of those rare cases that doesn’t mean anything bad!

But the next day, it was clear. I didn’t need to get my levels checked. I tried to stay in denial as long as I could… avoiding the bathroom for as long as my bladder could possibly hold it. But inevitably, I would go- and with every look down into the toilet I was crushed again. CRUSHED. Feelings I had never felt before. Deep sadness, deep hopelessness. Feeling completely out of control.

That weekend was one of the hardest but most strangely beautiful. I encountered God on a new level. I felt grief that I had only heard about from my friends, that allowed me to empathize in a way that I couldn’t before. That connection… with my God and my fellow woman is what made it so beautiful.

The night in the ER, after having an ultrasound with no heartbeat, I was wheeled out of the ultrasound room back to my original room. And as I was being pushed through those cold, fluorescent, sterile hallways by a masked man that had no other connection to me other than ‘wheel this girl from here to there’… I felt so alone. There was no heartbeat… but it could have been too early… right? It wasn’t… the life in my womb had stopped developing, and I’m just floating through a hospital’s back stage hallways feeling lifeless myself. And it was in that moment when a still small voice said “I’m here with you. You’re not alone”. I can’t remember the last time I felt God’s presence so strongly. And I can’t remember how many times I’ve read, said, or heard those words in reference to God’s presence… but this time, I believed it. I felt it. I was so comforted by it. God is everywhere… He cannot be told He can’t come in. He is with me- wherever I go. It is one of the most elementary concepts of the Bible- and yet, I have never in my life felt the authenticity of that concept like I did that night. What a gift in the midst of a horrendous experience.

My husband couldn’t be with me… my sweet baby was gone… but the creator and sustainer of my life was with me, in fact He’s never not been with me. I hope you find this truth as real as I did this Christmas, and allow yourself to feel comforted by it. God is with you. In your pain, in your disappointment, in your heartache, in your failures, in your everyday life. God is always with you.

The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’ Matthew 1:23