GINA'S STORY

*This story is told by Gina

The day before we were celebrating my son’s 2nd birthday with our close family. I felt really tired. My husband asked me if I felt the baby move but I hadn’t. I did so many things that day: picked up the cake, the balloons, cooking, usual house chores. I thought she was big and barely had enough room inside me to move very often. I woke up bleeding around 5 am. I thought: “this baby is going to be born today and I’m going to have her in NICU”. That was my only concern. It never crossed my mind the idea of losing her. I remember all the nurses trying to hear a heartbeat but nothing came. My husband held my hand and when we realized something was really wrong. We were delivered the surreal news that my baby girl was gone.

I had to deliver her knowing that she passed away. It was the most painful experience I have ever lived in my entire life.

Stillbirth. Even the word sounds like a weird dream. I don’t understand how our baby could die when she was so close to her due date.

“Baby’s are not supposed to die”. Those were my pastor’s words the day we said goodbye to her at my church.

I already had my first son, who now is almost 4 years old. He was and he is my light. He, along with my husband, were my best support during this time of grief. Without them, I wouldn’t be as strong as I feel now. It still hurt thinking of all the “if’s” with my baby Pascale. How would she looks like? What would her personality be like? Her laugh. Her hair. Her eye color. Her voice…

We wanted this baby girl so much but God wanted something different. I always wonder why me? Why us? Why I couldn’t they do anything to save her?

My OB said she had the cord twice on her neck. It could have been that. It could have been the placenta that detached from the womb. There wasn’t a clear answer.

After a hard year of grieving, now I feel like she is in the best place. God is holding her hand until we reunite with her one day.

Now I am enjoying the blessing of my 4 months old baby boy, my rainbow baby. My hurt is full of love. I’m so thankful of everything I have. Even the 35 weeks I spent with my baby, I feel grateful for it. I gave her a home and she was so so loved.

I’m a positive person. I try to enjoy every second with my little ones and I thank God for every second of life I can share with my family. I hope this could help other families who are getting through a difficult time like us. You are not alone. The pain evolves. You can get through this.