Grief Is A Tunnel, Not A Cave

Last week my mom called me while I was at home with Josie and said "The desert house is open this weekend! You guys should go"! I called JD at work right after and asked him if there was any way to adjust his work schedule and take Monday off. He quickly got back to me and, to my surprise, told me that he was able to adjust it and that we could go. My grandparents have a place out in Palm Springs and normally it is either rented out or too hot to visit. But the weather said that this last weekend was going to be sunny and a high of 87, and that felt magical. We haven't seen much of the sun this year in Orange County. I was stoked that we could have a small family getaway and get some vitamin D!

It was the most beautiful weekend! We spent lots of time at the pool or outside on the patio. My grandparent's place is located on a golf course with the most beautiful view of the hills. Josie LOVES to swim so we tried to swim as long as we could. We kept urgently checking her skin to make sure she wasn't getting too pink. We used sunscreen on her but she is so fair that it would be so easy for her to burn. Luckily she got some color but did not burn at all. After we swam we would walk back to the house and sit on the patio and watch the golfers play while Josie ate some snacks on a blanket in the shade. We drove the golf cart around the neighborhood and every morning went to Starbucks to get a coffee for JD and I. Josie went down for her naps so well there and slept at night pretty well too.

In the evening we would go and grab something for dinner and then come back to the house and watch the sunset on the golf course. A couple of times we laid down on the grass and just talked and laughed while Josie rolled around. It was priceless family time that I was so so thankful for.

One evening while watching the sun I couldn't help but think how beautiful God's light is. It reflected off the hills and it was memorizing to watch.

I kept reflecting on my own life and how there were moments when I could see God's light being reflected in the seasons that I was in.

But then there were also seasons of complete darkness.

Shortly after Emma died I remember vividly feeling like I was sitting in a deep hole of grief (I like to call it "grief fog"). I didn't see any light. In fact, it felt like I never would again. I was desperate to get out of the darkness. But darkness is the absence of light. And if there was no light, then all there was was darkness. I remember crying and crying. All I wanted was my child. All I wanted was to get the chance to be her mom here on earth. I didn't want anything else. I was never going to get her back on this side of Heaven and that realization put me in a darkness that I never thought I would ever escape.

Around that same time, I had a couple of loss moms reach out to see how I was doing. These moms had heard what had happened to me by word of mouth and wanted to reach out and offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. No one understood my pain but them.

One mom, in particular, listened to me as I poured out my heart to her one day. She listened as I vented and cried over my loss and the despair I was feeling. And when I was done she said she wanted to gently tell me something about grief.

She said, "Grief Is A Tunnel, Not A Cave".

I really needed to hear that. Before that moment I thought I would never see the light again. But her speaking that to me shifted my whole perspective on grief. I wasn't in a cave with a dead end. I was in a tunnel. And if I kept walking through one day at a time, one day I would see the light again.

And so here I was, 3 years later, sitting on the grass with my wonderful husband and my second daughter watching the sunset. I looked at them and I saw the reflection of light on their faces and I couldn't help the tears of gratitude that filled my eyes.

Grief is a tunnel, not a cave.

And I had finally reached the light.

Here are some Bible Verses about light that I love.

"You, LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light." Psalms 18:28

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalms 119:105

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5

"'When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”' John 8:12

"The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1